I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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