I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
