i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
