The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
