so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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