***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize