Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
