I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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