Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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