Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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