I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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