He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
