my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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