WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
