After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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