Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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