You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
