Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
