It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
