Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I am available for nakedness
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