Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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