Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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