He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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