I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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