I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
