just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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