I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
