i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
