I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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