Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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