my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
