just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
