Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
