Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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