Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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