i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
