i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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