does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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