whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
