why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
