So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
