we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize