i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
