It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
