I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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