M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
