Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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