I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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