Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
