"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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