So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
