I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
