All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
