i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
