my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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